To See Her Ride Again

To See Her Ride Again
By Tena Bastian


When she was ten years old, she decided to go compete at the State Fair and although we felt she was way out of her league; her father and I decided to support her in her effort. Jennifer was up before the sun and ready to work. Before my eyes were fully open, I could hear her running into my room dressed in her pajamas and cowboy boots begging me to get up and help her saddle her horse. She knew there were chores to do before riding but she didn’t care. She would run through the barn with flakes of hay and scoops of grain and she would brush her pony and stagger as she tried to maneuver the wheelbarrow down the long hallway of the barn so we could clean stalls. By the time most people were just getting out of bed, she had finished all of her chores and was in the arena riding her pony. It was summer and all I wanted to do was to sleep in.

It wasn’t always a good ride but she kept trying as she was determined to go to State and the only thing between her and her dream was to be good enough to qualify and she knew that would not be an easy task. There were days when she was frustrated because she couldn’t get Checkers to pick up the correct lead or give her a smooth transition but she kept trying. I remember one day in particular when she got angry, dismounted the pony and handed her to me. With arms crossed and a defiant look on her face she exclaimed, “I am not getting on that horse again and you can’t make me!”. Tears running down her cheeks, she stood there defiantly as I walked her horse to the gate. “WAIT!”, she said as she realized I had no intentions of making her ride. “Please wait!”, she begged. She would start again.

With a lot of work, Jennifer qualified for the State competition and we loaded her horse and headed to Columbus. She didn’t win, she didn’t even place in her class of 63 horses but she went. The following month at our county Fair, she took Grand Champion in her class and watching her ride to perfection made me cry with joy. Jennifer continued to ride for several years with every bit of enthusiasm until one day when she was about seventeen years old, things changed. I woke before she did, I had to fight to get her out of bed in the morning. Her little cowboy boots gathered dust in the corner as did her saddle and eventually she sold her horse that had replaced the pony that she rode to victory at Fair. Her personality began to change and she didn’t feel good most of the time. She struggled and we knew something was wrong.

After a lengthy hospital stay, the doctors confirmed our fears as they diagnosed her with Crohns disease, a debilitating disease of sometimes epic proportion that disrupts the immune system and for some unknown reason, begins by attacking the gastrointestinal system. It also leaves the body vulnerable to viruses, bacteria and even cancer. Jen slept a lot in the beginning and suffered from vomiting, diarrhea and weight loss. She barely had the strength to go to the barn much less ride anymore and missed so many college courses that she lost her scholarship and eventually had to stop attending all together. The initial hospital visit was followed by many others and the light in her eyes began to fade. The little girl who had lived to go to the barn, was now frail and sad and sick and slept all the time. The tears of joy that I had shed at the sight of her riding her pony had become tears of sadness and fear and they flowed more often than not. After a lot of research, we decided to drive her to Chicago to see a doctor who specialized in the disease and Jennifer would begin giving herself shots in her stomach that the doctor felt would get her back on track. The problem was that this medication along with the ones that accompanied it would not only suppress her immune system more but we were told that having children would not ever be likely. To Jennifer, this was not a priority at this point in her life however to me, the thought of it broke my heart. My daughters had brought me such joy in my life and the thought that she would never experience a ten year old in pajamas and cowboy boots jumping on her bed at the crack of dawn broke my heart beyond belief.

The medication worked and Jennifer experienced what they called a remission of sorts and we had such hope. She wasn’t strong enough to ride again but she smiled and she could stay awake for more than a couple hours a day. She met a guy and just as their relationship began to blossom, her father had a stroke, followed by another, then another. Then it was discovered that an infection was causing his strokes and apparently it had also infected his heart. Jennifer put the relationship on hold and instead, stayed by my side as her dad underwent two open heart surgeries to replace both valves and insert a pacemaker. For over a year, she stayed in remission and helped me care for her dad and one day, she reconnected with Mike, the young man she had met and they became very close during the time shortly after her fathers recovery. In October of the following year, two very important events occurred. Jennifer and Mike were married and Jennifer went out of remission. She was sick again and as I watched what should have been the best year of her life interrupted by constant hospital stays, my heart ached for both of them.

Her health worsened until one day after about twenty some hospital stays in one year, I decided to track down the doctor from Chicago who was now at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. I packed the car and drove Jen about ten hours to the Mayo clinic on donations from friends and credit cards. They admitted her. I only had enough money to stay for three days and get her settled in and then I had to drive home. It was the first time I ever had to walk away from her when she was sick and I cried through Minnesota, Wisconsin and Indiana before reaching the Ohio border. The further away I got from her, the more my heart broke. Her husband, who was dangerously close to losing his job because of all the time off he had taken during her illness, drove out to get her. That was three months ago and twice since, she has had to be admitted again.

We don’t know what the future holds at this point, none of us ever do but we are sure of one thing… wishes are horses. We have heard that said and we believe it to be true. For Jennifer and for her dad, their illnesses have not gotten the best of them and I believe that the horses in our life somehow keep things from going too far astray. Their love of horses keeps them strong and for me, they give me inner peace. If wishes are horses, my one wish now is to see her ride again. To somehow find an answer to this disease, a real cure. The doctors say that her dad can never ride again with the damage that has been done to his heart and on some level he has accepted that. I can’t tell you what I wouldn’t give to see Jennifer healthy and happy and beside me for just one more ride. To feel the way I did when I would hear those little cowboy boots come running into my bedroom to jump on my bed and beg me to get up so she could ride. I often think about those days in the first few minutes of the morning before I get out of bed and I listen for her but it is quiet. That pony is long gone as are most of the horses that graced our pasture back then. Jen is grown up and married and continues to fight this horrible disease but oh what I wouldn’t give to see her ride again.

Note: Read more about this family in an article by Holly Clanahan in the June issue of Americas Horse magazine.