Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Open Letter To The Universe

This is an open letter to the entire universe on this day, the day where I have been pushed beyond the limits of what I can take.

I am a mom, a wife and a horse woman which means basically that I am a force to be reckoned with and I am tired and my daughter is tired and in desperate need of one big collective prayer. You see, here we go again. Back to the hospital, back to being the vicitim of a horrible disease that has stolen the best years of her life. I am sure she can accept what it has done to her so far and move on and I am sure she can accept that she can't ever be a mom herself and maybe she can accept the fact that she worked so hard to help save her dad for all that time only to become the patient herself but enough is enough.

I can barely even look her in the eye anymore after five years of telling her that everything is going to be all right. I watch her throw up and not eat and get thinner and thinner and I just want to scream. She does NOT deserve this. She deserves to be healthy and happy and not have to spend these beautiful spring days in hospitals.

I swear that I would lay down my life to see her healthy and happy. I would give every penny I owned if I had any pennies left to continue to give them just to give her the life she deserves. I can say it is only money but when it is the thing that stands between her being healthy or being sick, the bill collectors dont see it that way. I am asking, no begging, pleading, praying that we see an end to this continuous nightmare of illness that this family has been through. If it is true that we put things out into the universe and they are heard, hear this... somehow, some way, we are not going to let this disease take her from us. Please everyone who reads this letter, help me put that thought out there so the universe will know that we are tired but not broken yet and we will not stop until she is healthy.

Just needed to vent, hope no one minds. The view from the back of my horse is the same as the one from the rear view mirror of the car, the Mayo clinic in Rochester Minnesota. We will see you again soon.


Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Learning To Ask For Help

Recently, my friend Laura and I had a conversation about the dilema my family has experienced. Its been a long road for us and most recently, my friend and web site devoloper Michelle, set up a family fund for us to help pay medical expenses.

Laura and Jeff are two of the most wonderful friends a person can have and they have been with us for many years through thick and thin. Laura answered Michelles call and donated money into the account that has been set up. It felt strange. Not because I didn't appreciate the help but rather because I have never asked for help before. As a horse person, I have always instructed people that if they need help with their horse, do not be afraid to ask for help and yet here I was, needing help and at the same time afraid to take it.

It has been a long hard road trying to stay on top of all that has happened to us by myself and there is such a relief in knowing that there are actually people who are willing to help.

I am struggling with the fact that it feels so much better to give than to recieveand yet here I am in a place deeper than I ever even thought possible and needing the help and questioning it and feeling uncomfortable about it. I owe Laura a huge appology and a great big thank you.

I love you for helping me and I love you for caring about all of us. You are a good friend more like a sister and I want to take a moment to thank everyone who has come to our aid and have cared enough to help.

I just got off the phone with my friend Holly from Americas Horse magazine who wrote a beautiful article about our experience and it will be in the June issue coming out in the middle of May. Thank you Holly, Michelle, Laura and every other friend who has my back right now. You are all the light at the end of the tunnel and on this cold windy Monday, you are the view from the back of my horse...I love you.