Mothers and daughters can sometimes be a difficult relationship. It has to be based on trust and love and respect and it has to be bonded together with a strength that can endure anything life throws at it.
I have two daughters and I would lay down my own life for either one of them. The decisions I have made in their lives may not have always been the best ones but each has been made with their best interest at heart. Today, my heart is heavy with worry about my youngest, Jennifer. Her Crohns disease has gotten the best of her so I made the decision to contact the best doctor I could find and drove her 10 or so hours to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester Minnesota. After a lengthy consultation, Dr. Kane decied that Jen needed to be admitted in St. Mary's hospital there. Financially, I had traveled there on a wing and a prayer along with a few donations from people who know what this family has been through lately. Jen and I went back to the hotel, dumped our suitcases and made her one good one out of what was still clean and admitted her.
Then came one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do...leave her there. I left her with clean clothes, the last of the money aside from the gas money that I needed to get home, kissed her goodbye and drove back to Ohio by myself because we couldnt afford the hotel and expenses to stay. I cried all the way through Minnesota and Wisconsin and part of Illinois. She was so strong and understood why I had to come home but I was jello. We had been awake most of the night before because she was so sick. Vomiting and crying and I was helpless to do anything about it.
I sit here this morning with such a heavy heart because it is totally out of my nature to walk away from anyone I love when they are in trouble. After my husband was diagnosed with his illness and he had three strokes, two back surgeries and two open heart surgeries, he barely survived and came out of it with two metal valves and a pacemaker. He was so sick that they wanted to put him in a rest home and it was Jennifer that spent months helping me take care of him so he could be home instead. Now she is so sick and I had to walk away. They say money is the root of all evil and today I feel that firsthand because it is keeping me from being with my daughter.
I have sold so many things and have had to make so many sacrifices to keep up and have worked so hard. I am tired and have run out of options. I want to be there but have to be here. I want our family to be given a repreive from this chaos of medical problems and most of all, I want to sleep knowing she is all right and this heavy weight to be lifted off our shoulders. She is not only my daughter but my friend and she is so sick that I barely recognize her anymore. She deserves a happy life with her new husband and her dog, Capone in their little apartment and she deserves to be healthy again. Walking away was impossible to do and all I really want is to walk away with her and have this nightmare behind us.
So the view from the back of my horse today is the Mayo clinic in Minnesota who is caring for Jennifer and I can tell you that the view is a long one because right now it seems a world away from me. Please send your prayers to them and to her until she is home again.
Thanks
Blessings
Tena
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
The Generosity of Horse People
My heart is full and I am humbled by the generousity of horse people. I feel truly blessed to be in the midst of such good hearted people. Three years ago as some of you know, my husband Bear had a stroke followed by another and then another. It was discovered that a tooth infection had gone systemic and went to his heart, brain and spine. Next came an open heart surgery and then a second. Followed by expensive medical treatment and continued care. At 50 years old, he has two metal valves and a pacemaker as a result.
During this time, our daughter Jennifer who was diagnosed with Crohns disease became very ill. At one point, I had each of them in two seperate hospitals and was so tired and overwhelmed with medical bills. We sold almost everything we owned to stay on top of it. We continually recieved prayers and cards and letters and emotional support from this industry of loving caring horsepeople.
Recently, Jennifer's disease has gotten the best of her and she has spent weeks in the hospital only to be released and admitted again. Now I am getting ready to drive her 9 1/2 hours to the Mayo clinic looking for an end to this and I put out a call for help to anyone between us here in NW Ohio and Rochester Minnesota for a place to stay on the way if we get in trouble. What I recieved in return is so much more than I ever expected.
Phone calls, prayers and emails started to come in and our paypal account began growing slightly with small donations to help with the trip. $20 here and $5 there and suddenly for the first time in years, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders and did not feel alone in trying to get our lives back. I know how good I have felt helping other fellow horse people in their times of desperation and for the first time, I feel the love of those who want to help us and I can't tell you how good that feels.
We as horse people come from all walks of life, each of us with a story of our own and a struggle that we are faced with and yet when any one of us are in need, we come together as a family and love and support each other. I can not tell you the last time I wasn't frightened that I would lose it all and with it, my husband or my daughter. I can't tell you the last time I have been able to sleep through the night and wake up and not worry that it was my last day with them or that we would lose our house.
Through my books, I have shared our lives and have had the opportunity to meet a lot of you through emails that you sent or at book signings or seminars that I have given and a lot of you have become friends. I wrote a little collection of stories called The Horses We Love, The Lessons We Learn and have recieved emails from all over the world telling me how it has changed your lives and I am so grateful for each and every one.
Thank you for your friendship and thank you for your help and most of all thank you for allowing us to be part of this family of horse lovers that continue to welcome us and support us when we need it. I know that our struggle isn't even close to being over at this point but at least I don't feel alone in trying to make it all work out. Michelle, our friend and web site developer asked if she could put a donation button on the web site and my first thought was that the economy has really hit everyone so hard and my pride wouldn't allow it. Then I recieved an email from Lynne Wiser who said that people wanted to know where to go to help. I just want to ask for your continued prayers and emails and phone calls and letters that tell me that I have an entire equine world of support as we travel back and forth for treatment and continue to get our lives back on track.
To all of you that have cared enough to be there for me and my family, thank you from the bottom of my heart. May God bless you and your families for your caring spirit.
Love Tena
Note: A special fund has been set up for Tena and her family to help with medical bills. To learn more, go to http://www.tenabastian.com/contact2.htm
During this time, our daughter Jennifer who was diagnosed with Crohns disease became very ill. At one point, I had each of them in two seperate hospitals and was so tired and overwhelmed with medical bills. We sold almost everything we owned to stay on top of it. We continually recieved prayers and cards and letters and emotional support from this industry of loving caring horsepeople.
Recently, Jennifer's disease has gotten the best of her and she has spent weeks in the hospital only to be released and admitted again. Now I am getting ready to drive her 9 1/2 hours to the Mayo clinic looking for an end to this and I put out a call for help to anyone between us here in NW Ohio and Rochester Minnesota for a place to stay on the way if we get in trouble. What I recieved in return is so much more than I ever expected.
Phone calls, prayers and emails started to come in and our paypal account began growing slightly with small donations to help with the trip. $20 here and $5 there and suddenly for the first time in years, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders and did not feel alone in trying to get our lives back. I know how good I have felt helping other fellow horse people in their times of desperation and for the first time, I feel the love of those who want to help us and I can't tell you how good that feels.
We as horse people come from all walks of life, each of us with a story of our own and a struggle that we are faced with and yet when any one of us are in need, we come together as a family and love and support each other. I can not tell you the last time I wasn't frightened that I would lose it all and with it, my husband or my daughter. I can't tell you the last time I have been able to sleep through the night and wake up and not worry that it was my last day with them or that we would lose our house.
Through my books, I have shared our lives and have had the opportunity to meet a lot of you through emails that you sent or at book signings or seminars that I have given and a lot of you have become friends. I wrote a little collection of stories called The Horses We Love, The Lessons We Learn and have recieved emails from all over the world telling me how it has changed your lives and I am so grateful for each and every one.
Thank you for your friendship and thank you for your help and most of all thank you for allowing us to be part of this family of horse lovers that continue to welcome us and support us when we need it. I know that our struggle isn't even close to being over at this point but at least I don't feel alone in trying to make it all work out. Michelle, our friend and web site developer asked if she could put a donation button on the web site and my first thought was that the economy has really hit everyone so hard and my pride wouldn't allow it. Then I recieved an email from Lynne Wiser who said that people wanted to know where to go to help. I just want to ask for your continued prayers and emails and phone calls and letters that tell me that I have an entire equine world of support as we travel back and forth for treatment and continue to get our lives back on track.
To all of you that have cared enough to be there for me and my family, thank you from the bottom of my heart. May God bless you and your families for your caring spirit.
Love Tena
Note: A special fund has been set up for Tena and her family to help with medical bills. To learn more, go to http://www.tenabastian.com/contact2.htm
Sunday, March 1, 2009
How The Mind Works
Isn't it funny how the mind works. Don't get me wrong, I am happy mine works at all some days but during the most chaotic moments, my mind writes songs. Yep, I dont sing, or read or write music or even play an instrument but my mind writes entire songs with lyrics and everything. For Christmas, my hubby got me a keyboard and I found that if I sit at it, I can find the the right keys that create the melody. Interesting.
They are random. They have little or nothing to do with anything that is going on in my life. So this morning, I thought I would share with you the one that is currently in my head. It is really sad but has a haunting melody and is really pretty. It's called "Don't Leave Me Tonight". I hope you like it.
He was barely sixteen when she got the call
Coming home with some friends from a party
He lied to her and said that they would be at the mall
But he wasn't where he was supposed to be
She tried to be strong
while the other parents cried
Their babies were gone
But her son survived
Don't leave me tonight
Baby don't close your eyes
All the words left unspoken, the promises broken, nothing but lies
Tomorrow will come and go
and I'll be alone
My life will be shattered, nothing else matters
God, don't take him home.
She sits by his bed on a cold winter night
Snow falls outside the window
She knows in her heart that it won't be long
But she can't find the words to just let him go
She tries to be strong
To hold on to the past
But it won't be long
because he's fading so fast
Don't leave me tonight
Baby don't close your eyes
All the words left unspoken, the promises broken, nothing but lies
Tomorrow will come and go
and I'll be alone
My life will be shattered, nothing else matters
God don't take him home
They whisper and stare as she walks down the hall
They talk about the collision
But she doesn't care, for the rest of her life
She'll pay for someone elses bad decision
She tries to be strong
but he's barely alive
Still her words echo...
"Don't drink and drive"
Don't leave me tonight
Baby don't close your eyes
All the words left unspoken, the promises broken, nothing but lies
Tomorrow will come and go and I'll be alone
My life will be shattered, nothing else matters
God don't take him home
She sits by his bed on the fourth of July
Fireworks outside the window
She knows in her heart that it won't be long
But she can't find the words to just let him go
She tries to seperate
her anger from her fears
But he's not coming home...
It's been fifteen years
Don't leave me tonight
Baby don't close your eyes
All the words left unspoken, promises broken, nothing but lies
Tomorrow will come and go
and I'll be alone
My life will be shattered, nothing else matters
God don't take him home
Just a small sample of how the mind works. At least my mind. Somewhere in the back of my mind while I am busy with every day life, I compose songs, lots of them. My hubby loves one called The Famous song which is a funny tune about a girl that has big dreams but she is sitting in jail. Maybe that one is for another time. In the meantime, the message of this one I think is when you make a decision to drink and get behind the wheel, consider the impact of those you leave behind. Life and death isn't always black and white. There is a very grey area between life and death where the people you love suffer a lot. Sad but true. It's March...go saddle up your horse and go for a ride.
Blessings
Tena
They are random. They have little or nothing to do with anything that is going on in my life. So this morning, I thought I would share with you the one that is currently in my head. It is really sad but has a haunting melody and is really pretty. It's called "Don't Leave Me Tonight". I hope you like it.
He was barely sixteen when she got the call
Coming home with some friends from a party
He lied to her and said that they would be at the mall
But he wasn't where he was supposed to be
She tried to be strong
while the other parents cried
Their babies were gone
But her son survived
Don't leave me tonight
Baby don't close your eyes
All the words left unspoken, the promises broken, nothing but lies
Tomorrow will come and go
and I'll be alone
My life will be shattered, nothing else matters
God, don't take him home.
She sits by his bed on a cold winter night
Snow falls outside the window
She knows in her heart that it won't be long
But she can't find the words to just let him go
She tries to be strong
To hold on to the past
But it won't be long
because he's fading so fast
Don't leave me tonight
Baby don't close your eyes
All the words left unspoken, the promises broken, nothing but lies
Tomorrow will come and go
and I'll be alone
My life will be shattered, nothing else matters
God don't take him home
They whisper and stare as she walks down the hall
They talk about the collision
But she doesn't care, for the rest of her life
She'll pay for someone elses bad decision
She tries to be strong
but he's barely alive
Still her words echo...
"Don't drink and drive"
Don't leave me tonight
Baby don't close your eyes
All the words left unspoken, the promises broken, nothing but lies
Tomorrow will come and go and I'll be alone
My life will be shattered, nothing else matters
God don't take him home
She sits by his bed on the fourth of July
Fireworks outside the window
She knows in her heart that it won't be long
But she can't find the words to just let him go
She tries to seperate
her anger from her fears
But he's not coming home...
It's been fifteen years
Don't leave me tonight
Baby don't close your eyes
All the words left unspoken, promises broken, nothing but lies
Tomorrow will come and go
and I'll be alone
My life will be shattered, nothing else matters
God don't take him home
Just a small sample of how the mind works. At least my mind. Somewhere in the back of my mind while I am busy with every day life, I compose songs, lots of them. My hubby loves one called The Famous song which is a funny tune about a girl that has big dreams but she is sitting in jail. Maybe that one is for another time. In the meantime, the message of this one I think is when you make a decision to drink and get behind the wheel, consider the impact of those you leave behind. Life and death isn't always black and white. There is a very grey area between life and death where the people you love suffer a lot. Sad but true. It's March...go saddle up your horse and go for a ride.
Blessings
Tena
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